Ballance Sheet

I took a look at my to do list. And I was incredibly happy to have found I actually did a few of them!
Here they are:
Love. - I found new and surprising ways for that one, and I... love it :)
Travel - only Italy is fine too, as long as I get to see new places and new people. - 5 terre is amazing! My favorite place on Earth, so far. Also Assisi and Umbria in general, and Siena too!
Read. - Daily. And I sooo love this part of my life.
Be part of a qigong camp this July, in Tonezza, Italy. - I honestly didn't believe this would happen. But apparently it will.
Smell the rain and watch the sunset every chance I get - and I know I'll get a lot of chances; it's all a matter of prioritizing. - this is the best part in my daily train rides...
Walk a lot, hike and swim. - a no for the swimming part. But working on it...
Learn how to properly ride a bike and actually ride it. - Learning as we speak...
Make new friends. - Yes!
Think beautiful thoughts. - God knows how hard I'm working on this one.
Smile and laugh every day. - oh, yes!
Spend quiet winter nights by the fire. - I most certainly did! Cat and wine and all :)
Be myself. - Maybe a little too much so. In the "speak my mind" department. But I most certainly don't regret that.

I am 30 and Other More Important Issues

Being 30 doesn't make much difference, I admit. I mean, it's not like I feel any different from what I felt like yesterday, or anything... But, as a new friend pointed out today, I have most certainly lived at least a third of my life. And that made me consider the whole "life" concept.

I know I am a very lucky person. First, because I am a human being, I am smart, functional, able to see, hear, think and speak. Second, because I found a spiritual practice that suits my soul, and someone (actually more than just one person) to guide me through it. And I am extremely grateful for having realized and having been given all this in the first third of my life. Now, however, comes the hard part: staying on the path.

As I very often say, I strongly believe everything in this world is a question of choice, and therefore, a question of discipline. Of training, if you will. I think the soul learns to smile if you repeatedly show it how to do that, and the mind learns to deal with the outside world if you teach it how to do that, step by step. This is why things "happen" to us, and this is why the same things appear on our path time and again, till we would have finally learned whatever lesson they had to teach us. But believing that, knowing that to be true, doesn't make it easier. We live in complex times. It is, from so many points of view, so much easier to live in this century - access to every information you could ever desire, freedom of speech and thought (a lot more than in the 16th century, anyway...), and so on. But also, it so much more... distracting, if you will. All this connectors and connections make us both physically and mentally wired, to each other and to so many things I am not so sure we actually need... Less may very well be more in this case.

And in my case, well... I get very easily distracted. By the weather, by other people, by the Internet, by world hunger, and lots of other issues. Which may very well be important, but me not doing my job here on Earth (being happy, that is) is not justified by any other thing. The one important thing I learned from all my Buddhist studies is that we are all One. And me being unhappy is adding a piece of unhappiness to the world, which means harming the world. And we are here to do good, or for the least, to not do bad...

It is very important to stay on my path, and keep walking. And this is how I ended up being 30.

2010

So these are some of the things I will do this year, in no particular order:

Practice qigong.
Paint and draw and create in general.
Love.
Make money - I trust money will want to be made, so it'll point me in the right direction.
Travel - only Italy is fine too, as long as I get to see new places and new people.
Read.
Write.
Dance.
Be part of a qigong camp this July, in Tonezza, Italy.
Smell the rain and watch the sunset every chance I get - and I know I'll get a lot of chances; it's all a matter of prioritizing.
Walk a lot, hike and swim.
Learn how to properly ride a bike and actually ride it.
Make new friends.
Think beautiful thoughts.
Be there for my friends, in good or bad.
Smile and laugh every day.
Learn new things.
Share.
Spend quiet winter nights by the fire.
Be myself.

But if any of these will not occur, I will simply enjoy whatever will come my way.
I trust the Universe.
Namaste!

2009

So it’s been a really long time since I’ve last written something, not just here, but in general. And that’s because I was really busy lately, more than I’d ever like. And this is part of the reason I am writing this today. This is my annual report for 2009.
I won’t state the facts chronologically or in any other order than the one that pops to mind.

I learned a new qigong exercise last year, one I love very much.
Twice last year I was able to practice daily for what is till now a personal record period (3 months).
I didn’t do very much traveling last year. In a way I guess I regret that – traveling is one of my favorite things.
I lost a friend.
I gained a friend, or maybe two.
I got lots of phone calls and e-mails on my birthday.
I co-bought a house.
I co-renovated a house – floors and walls and everything; it was extremely hard, and we’re not really done with everything yet.
I painted a lot the first 6 or 7 months. After that, I just did the renovating…
I thought I’d lose my job, but I didn’t. I was supposed to start working in a different city since September, and managed, with the help of my colleagues and boss, to keep postponing the inevitable.
I’ve got a crazy but lovable cat.
I’m part of a program at work that allows me to chat in English with a guy from Austria (talk about your globalization…).
I started to organize a qigong camp with a friend. This time, I’m sure it’ll be a success.
I gave up my cable TV contract and stored my TV set in the garage - nobody asked for it yet.
I got to buy some new stuff and give away most of the old one - great practice for my soul.
I read some interesting books last year (I really want to thank Mrs. Elizabeth Gilbert; without ever meeting me, she did wonders for my mental sanity).
I saw the sea and climbed a mountain.
I smiled a lot and cried a lot.
I got sick and re-evaluated my emotions and priorities.
I noticed that I’ve never actually lived a day at a time until now. It’s refreshing and strange at the same time, but it releases some of the pressure.
For the first time in my life I actually felt I could have died. I thought I had felt this way before, I realize now I actually haven’t; till this year. It made me feel lonelier than I’ve ever thought possible.
I discovered I really hate shopping (I thought it was just a minor dislike, but apparently it’s way more than that).
I had two haircuts, which means I actually went to the hairdresser’s twice in a year. This didn’t happen since I was 16. When I had my first haircut last year, I knew the history would repeat itself – by the way, this means another haircut will follow in the next few months, and this time, little shall remain... I see this very possible, I adore short hair these days.
I like myself a bit more than last year.
My work was appreciated by my boss.
It snowed last year and I got to walk and run and laugh and cry and practice in the snow.
It was the first year I spent entirely in Italy.

I am very grateful for all these and the rest of small and big things I left out intentionally or not.
Thank you.

Samsara and Other Wheels

The other day, a good friend of mine asked me to look for and buy some plane tickets for him, online, using my credit card. Of course, I did it. He thanked me, and I was glad I could help out without much effort. I was thinking of that, when it hit me: it all goes in circles! This happened before! I mean I was in his shoes, and someone else did the exact same thing for me! And then I went further back in time, thinking what I had done that triggered that kind act, and so on.

I’m only listing here some of the ‘big’ things, those I can remember on the spot, but I’m sure all things, big and small, could fit in this list.

First, there is the simple case, when the circle closes between just two people. When my friend, O., had a hard time trying to recover after a bad break-up, I helped her out the best I could. She ‘returned’ it in full, no longer than a couple of years later, when I was in very fishy situation. But usually, the energy created with one act goes from one person to another, moves, and this sometimes prevents us from realizing that the scores do get settled, just on a wider scale.

The same year, O. had to move. I helped her. We spent a couple of days cleaning an incredibly dirty house and putting things in their new places. The job in itself was, of course, a pain, but I was really glad to help, and some metal and good conversation managed to make the experience quite pleasant. A few years later, I couldn’t stand to be in my home any more. A good friend of mine, L., came in and convinced me to move everything around; she spent the whole day with me, moving stuff and furniture around the room. It was hard work; I hope Vivaldi and my conversation made it a bit softer for her.

A few years back, I needed a quite large sum of money. O. had it and she wasn’t really using it at that time; she borrowed it to me, and I only had to pay it back after a year or so. Last year, when L. needed quite a large sum of money, I had it and wasn’t quite using it, so I borrowed it to her. She hasn’t paid me back yet, because she still needs it more than I do.

Some time ago, like I said, I needed some plane tickets; O. bought them for me, using her credit card, because I couldn’t use mine. I just ‘returned’ the favor, by helping I. in he exact same way.

The same things happen with the not-so-good deeds. What comes to mind is a quite sordid example, but, oh well... Some time ago, I had a fling with F. He sort of fell for me, but I wasn’t looking for anything more. We had set the terms initially, he didn’t comply, and I just didn’t have the delicacy to explain myself. No later than a few months, I met A., with whom I had a fling, in the same context. We had set the terms from the start, but I fell quite hard, and no one was there to explain to me why we couldn’t have anything more.

And this is just what I came up with in a half an hour. My points are two:

1. Not one single act is random. Everything has meaning; it just may be we can’t see it. I mean, I was lucky to have all this in the clear, but maybe O. didn’t have anyone lending her money when she most needed it, or maybe F. never turned his back on anyone without a reason. My opinion however, is that the Universe doesn’t want to be creative in this respect. I believe what goes around comes around in the exact same form, and the Universe is kind enough to use this spider’s web in It’s desperate attempt to show us a glimpse of the Truth.

2. What really matters are the events, their energy, not the actual people involved. The people are just tools, all the same, all equal, interchangeable. In the big picture, all that matters is the equilibrium, the balance of the whole. But, clearly enough, there cannot be balance in The Whole without balance in all its elements, in people’s lives; the happiness of the world is the happiness of each of us. All is one. Is it karma? Is it just a wheel part of the Big Wheel of Existence, an endless knot between souls, just like the Samsara? Questions not meant for answers... On a much lower level, what this interconnection does, is makes us walk a mile in each other’s shoes, makes us understand we can be, and most likely will be on the other side of the coin. And back on the higher level, this creates compassion. And that… well, that is what keeps us on the face of the planet.

A Brief Update

So I’m still ‘housing’ more or less, doing a lot of stuff about and for and regarding the papers, the furnishing, the renovation, of the thing. It’s a long process. It’s an ordeal. I try to think of it as some sort of initiation ritual. Today I took another little blow, and I took it calmly, and without concern. It’s like I’m preparing for battle, putting on the armor or something… I don’t know. All I know is it’s never easy. Just like with lotus flowers that come out of the mud: it takes struggle, and work.

Just like someone told me recently: from the manure may spring out flowers, but certainly nothing grows out of diamonds. Thank you, I.!

Of Houses and Men

We – my husband and I – are buying a house. 65% my family’s money, the rest from a bank. My husband actually wants to be a house-owner (I believe we are all homeowners even if we don’t own a tone of bricks). I am buying a house in order to buy my family’s peace of mind. I don’t particularly like or dislike this particular house that I am actually buying. It has the right attributes and more importantly the right price. It has double the space of my rental and the mortgage will sum up to the same amount as the rent. These were the only things I analyzed when I decided to buy it – after my husband said he liked it, of course. For me, it’s a space that I’ll make home just like I did with any space I wanted to be in – I don’t care who owns it.

I don’t think I’d be capable, at this time in my life, to analyze any house from a different perspective (I did see a house I actually liked, but it had a very complicated mortgage situation so, since it wasn’t important to me, I backed away). And in fact, all this is irrelevant. After 2 weeks of sleepless nights, I got it: for the nth time, I gave in. I did something I never wanted to do so that my family would be happy and, mainly, content. Yes, this is what I long for: their contentment. That state where they would stop wanting things for me. Where they would stop having agendas that concern me, where they would finally stop and smell the fuckin’ roses. Or, since I’m not sure this would ever be possible, that moment where I start growing the balls I need in order to put what I want above what they do. To put my wants and needs first. To live the life I want to and not the one they want me to. I know it’s all my fault. I know they just want the best for me. And still, I can’t seem to manage to confront them…

What I still find amusing, is God’s patience with me: this happened millions of times before, with small things like vacations, or big things like my first job, or my wedding. Apparently, things are going to keep repeating themselves until I take some sort of stand… until then, I have another responsibility I don’t want.

There is, like in all things, an upside to all this. It’s taught me to support my loved ones even if I may at first think they made the wrong choices. To support them so that they could walk proudly. To keep my soul open so that I can feel the joy their choices bring them, even though I may not share the same path. Actually, I think it’s taught me how to love. But it’s a high price.

My Birthweek

Ya, you guessed right: I had my birthday yesterday.
But didn't get the chance to do any soul searching, any nice chit-chatting, or any-other cute things people do on their birthdays. So I need a re-run. Or maybe a few more. So from this year on, I'll be celebrating my birthweek.
Plus, this way, all the phone calls I got today were still on time.

This year, my birthweek ends on Monday, May 4th.

Ocean Soul

Acrylic on Canvas, 40x50 cm. For sale.

Good and Evil have the same face; it all depends on when they cross the path of each individual human being. (Paulo Coelho, The Devil and Miss Prym)

I read this today on Mr. Coelho’s blog. I think it’s more simple and more complicated than that. I am absolutely sure that God and the devil have the same face – or they just look alike anyway. Yes, the moment is everything, being in the right place at the right time is fundamental, but I don’t believe in coincidences. So I think every time is the right time – and that’s why it’s more simple. Because once you know that everything that’s happening to you is actually meant to happen to you and that the present is a direct consequence of the actions of the past (in the sense that the choices we make bring us to a certain path; the universe/God/faith do have a say), you have a lot less to worry about. No more ‘if only I had’-s, no more ‘wrong place – wrong time’ reasoning, no more spitting over your shoulder or running from black cats. But, of course, this means that everything that happens to you is supposed to happen to you. And you have to deal with it – good or bad. And this is the complicated part.

My practice teaches me that everything that happens to me is the best thing for me at that time. In other words, that Evil is actually Good. And after a lot of sleepless nights and a quite thorough analysis of the most important events in my life, both good and ‘bad’, I’ve had the epiphany: it’s TRUE! The most terrible things that happened to me (deaths, horrible experiences) were inextricably linked to the most beautiful things that ever happened to me (spirituality, qigong, meeting amazing persons that are now my best friends). There would never have been the Good without the Evil. It’s like a thread that connects certain events, like domino pieces, if you change one piece of the game, the ones that come after it also have to change.

I am very grateful for all the good things in my life – and I really have a lot of goodness in my life. The simple kind: I have friends and wonderful people around me, I have a roof above my head, I have food on my plate, I have things I love to do, I have all my five senses and a little extra, I live in a beautiful country, I have spring every year…

But equally, I am grateful for the bad things – the ones that brought me the great things and gave me a broader perspective of life.

My TV-less Life

So it’s been over a week since I last watched television. I did it the hard way, the definite way, by simply ending the contract with the provider. Sometimes I need constrains… So what happened? I cleaned up the house during the week and not on Saturday. I almost caught up with my e-mails – I still have a few more to answer I just remembered about. I painted or did some art-related work every day – I have a lot of ideas scrambled on various pieces of paper, and a lot more in my head, I just needed to get around to actually giving them a clear shape and putting them on canvas… I think the idea is the most important thing, the rest is work; but without the work, there is nothing. I did watch 2 episodes of Ghost Whisperer and the final episode of Hell’s Kitchen’s 4th season (hey, I had to know who won, right???) and one incredibly bad movie yesterday (‘The Queen of The Damned’…). That’s cool.

I feel different, it’s like I have a better sense of my house, I like it better, I have a bigger need for tidiness, for cleanness (I don’t just mean the actual dust)… I still have a lot of things on my list that I have been consciously procrastinating, but I am somehow more confident about their getting done.

Actually, I feel more free.

My Eye of The World

Price: EUR 195

My Eye of The World, Acrylic on canvas, 40/40 cm

Reality check

So I was saying how life gives us some extra time to trace back our steps and maybe do some changes. Well, I don’t know. Because what happened was that after I posted the text below, I googled again (for the 10th time at least) ‘Ioana Barbu Udrea’, just to see if my blog was showing on the search – in case someone else would want to get in touch with her too… And… yeah, you guessed right: I found a link!!!

It is a link of a chain e-mail with a joke in the title, that somehow stayed saved on some weird server, dated April 2006. So I found her e-mail. Or at least the job e-mail she had 3 years ago. I wanted to wait before writing here, because I expected some sort of reply to my message. Unfortunately, nothing came up. But I never received a mailer daemon saying there was no such e-mail address, so I have to assume that she still works there and that my e-mail was delivered to the right place (I am sure it was her, I found connections to her husband and her father also).

Well, in this case, the universe gave me all the tools (somehow miraculously too, since the info I needed simply showed up even though a few days ago it wasn’t there – and believe me, I searched). I did all I could. And still, nothing happened. It’s amazing just how much free will we were given! It’s amazing how many things we can move with just one thought! And it’s amazing just how many things still remain out of the area we are used to be able to control. Just imagine what we could do if we would expand our space; or if we would work together rather than just for ourselves…

I was reading some G20 Summit articles… Maybe the first step would be to simply choose a beggar instead of a pack a cigarettes.

Happy Birthady, Ioana!

This is a Happy Birthday message for Ioana Barbu (Udrea). Ioana was a friend of mine for more than a decade (from since I was maybe 10 until about 5 or 6 years ago). She stopped being my friend quite suddenly. In fact I found myself being in a one way relationship (she was never, and I mean never calling me), and after a while I thought maybe she just wasn’t thinking of me as often as I used to think of her. So I thought I’d give her some space and let her call me instead. And she never did again. She may have had her reasons, it’s just I have no idea what those may be, and I really hope it wasn’t just a question of laziness, I think that would be terrible…

I don’t have any address or phone number of hers, and I’ve searched the web in vain. I was always confident and thought that if I really wanted, I could track down some common acquaintance that might still be in touch with her… And guess what: I couldn’t find anyone anymore. Because life gives us a certain window of opportunity, a second chance, or simply some time to change our minds, but eventually even that shuts down. I still believe that we are all connected to each other, but I do feel sad when I can no longer get in touch with someone that was once important in my life…

So, happy birthday, Ioana, I hope to see you again sometime!

P.S. Of course, if anybody knows a person called Ioana Udrea (she got married in 2003, so it should be Barbu now) who lived in Bucharest at least untill she was 23 or 24, please let me know...

My Inner Tree

Price: EUR 245
Acrylic on canvas, 35/50 cm

How God Entered the Bank

Yesterday something beautiful happened at work. I work in the back offices of a bank – not a very spiritually stimulating job, obviously. It pays good, it’s a fabulous job for an immigrant such myself, and sometimes you actually get to use your head while doing it. So, it’s ok – I’ll miss it when it’ll be over.

Anyway, one of the activities we do in our office is sample checking the documents that the clientele will receive at home. Yesterday, my colleague that does this work had to check the general layout of a new type of document to be produced starting next month. So the IT department sent him the document for proof reading. He printed it in colors, and checked the logo, the general information about the bank, the general information specific to the type of document, and eventually got to the actual content – it was not his job to check it and since it was just a sample, it didn’t contain actual information about any clients, but a ‘random’ text pasted there by an IT department employee, simply for layout checking purposes. But he started reading it anyway. He got up, came over to me smiling and handed me the document.

It was a text in Latin: a fragment of the Bible, from the first epistle to the Corinthians, about love.

The Appearance of the Non Cynical Me

Some years ago (there must be 3 or 4, I’m never sure and I hate back-counting), I quit smoking. I’ve never wanted to quit smoking; to the contrary, I’ve always loved to smoke. I still like it. I like everything about it: the taste, the gesture, the rebel aura that comes with it if you do it while wearing a cool leather jacket, the fact it got me a ticket to the ‘cool kids’ club’, the excuse it provides you with when you’d like to talk to someone… Sure, I hated lung cancer, but you can’t have it all. And what could consist in a better after-play than sharing a cigarette naked, in the moist sheets?

So what happened? I have no idea. A friend of mine, who hates this ‘bad’ habit, sort of made a promise on my account (I reeeaaally resented that…) in front of someone I really respected. After that, I went home, and as any smoker does whenever he or she has to start or finish something, I really wanted to light up a cigarette. But I didn’t. In fact, ever since, I’ve lit up a small number of cigarettes, but I haven’t really smoked any. And this is how I quit smoking. Before, I used to think I would plan this process and I would have some sort of cigarettes-reducing-schedule glued to my desk; but I didn’t. I think I can say I spontaneously quit smoking.

I think the same thing is happening to me right now, cynicism-wise. I like being cynical. I like everything about it: the taste, the posture, the rebel aura that comes with it if you do it while wearing a cool leather jacket, the fact it gets me a ticket to the ‘cool kids’ club’, the excuse it provides you with when you don’t want to talk to someone and the emotional safety that comes with that… Sure, I hate not being able to appreciate romanticism or freckles naivety, but you can’t have it all.

It’s just that lately, I’ve been listening to some Tom Waits songs… and painting a lot of lotus flowers… I don’t know…

Hope

Remember the bird from the other day? Today I took the same way to work.

The bird was gone – they must have cleaned the street; but some feathers were still there. And the rest must have traveled further, and higher, in the universe…

No Control

I think I just said good bye to someone. Perhaps for good, perhaps for some time, I don’t know. Because I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow, or the next day. I don’t know whether I’ll still be around or not.

This situation makes me sad. Because she’s a good person who is now in not such a good place and this makes her feel communication may be harder than it actually is. Or at least this is what I feel about the matter. I think it is too hard for her to surpass the difficulties, to struggle to get to the heart of things. And that is, in the end, just fine. I feel that in life one should fight for what he wants, because the right thing, the Truth let’s call it, may be hidden under the mud just like the lotus flower; but this is me. For other people, the Truth has to be in front of them, natural, it has to come smoothly and calmly, and without obstacles. And I have to respect this.

But, again, I have the right to be sad. Because I don’t know so many good persons. And because life is short, and maybe we don’t have the time to leave things hanging… But it’s not my choice to make. It’s out of my hands.
And this is, I think, the lesson here. Everything that has a beginning, also has an end; sooner or later events unfold towards this end. And some things, we just can’t control…

Personal Distance

Today on my way to work I saw a dead bird in the middle of the street. It was probably run over by a car. More than the bloody sight of the tiny corpse, what really impressed me was that feathers of its 10-centimeters-long body were scattered on the road on a distance of about 500 meters.

We may think that our bodies occupy a certain enclosed space, but pieces of ourselves travel much further in the universe.

In this case, I may be allowed to think of the universe as my own personal space, as much as the universe may think of me as its heel, or maybe its shoulder.

I believe that to be the real sense of belonging.

Self Image

Price: EUR 250

Self Image, Acrylic on canvas, 40/50 cm

My magic tree

Price: EUR 170
My Magic Tree, Acrylic on canvas, 75/55 cm

The 5 elements - second series

Acrylic on canvas, 18/24 cm each
Price of the series: EUR 220

Wood, acrylic on canvas, 24/30 cm

Water, acrylic on canvas, 24/30 cm

Fire, acrylic on canvas, 24/30 cm

Earth, acrylic on canvas, 24/30 cm

Metal, acrylic on canvas, 24/30 cm

The 5 elements - the first series

Acrylic on canvas, 18/24 cm each
Price of the series: EUR 170


Wood, acrylic on canvas, 18/24 cm


Water, acrylic on canvas, 18/24 cm


Metal, acrylic on canvas, 18/24 cm


Earth, acrylic on canvas, 18/24 cm


Fire, acrylic on canvas, 18/24 cm

Who's the real villain?

Something really disturbing happened yesterday.
Premise:
Usually, I spend my lunch break in the park outside my office, walking or sitting on a bench and reading. It’s a small park, and at lunchtime it’s almost empty – a few people on bikes, and some others exercising or walking. It has a rather bad name, at least amongst my co-workers, who have repeatedly told me it wasn’t a very safe place. But it’s a beautiful park, and at least in spring, it looks too good for any bad things to dare enter. So, I went there yesterday, too.
Facts:
I was reading my book, when a man in his late twenties entered the park. I raised my eyes from the book, and I saw him looking in my direction. He started walking towards me (I was sitting on bench placed outside the walking alleys, on the grass, under some trees – a beautiful place!). I flinched when I saw him, and he must have noticed, so he stopped and asked if I had a light. He wasn’t Italian, maybe South American, I thought. I shouted back ‘no’. It’s true, I don’t smoke and, in my defense, I actually thought whether I had one or not before answering him. He thanked, hesitated, and then restarted to walk towards me (there were about 50 meters between us). He asked whether he could sit next to me. 'Maybe Brazilian', I thought. Instinctively, I got up and said I had to go anyway, so he could stay if he wanted to. He got defensive, smiled awkwardly, and as he moved away from me mumbled ‘No, no, it was just for the company, you know? You stay...’ I was already standing, so I didn’t know what to do. I was about to sit down again, but then he came back and said ‘But couldn’t I get to meet you?‘ All I could say, as I stepped away from the bench, was, again ‘No, I have to leave anyway…’ And him, again, smiling with embarrassment ‘No, you stay, I’ll go…’ And he left. And I left also, because I also was too embarrassed to sit down again…
Considerations:
I did a shitty thing. As I walked aimlessly in the park for the remaining 10 minutes of my break, I started to think about what had happened. Someone came up to me, trying to interact with me, a person, a stranger, a probably lonely human being. And I freaked, I was afraid and I ran. I started to think of how he must have felt. I acted as if he were a rapist or a thief. I put a tag on him. I made possible the demonstration of my least favorite sociological theory (Thomas’ labeling theory)… Yes, he probably wanted to hit on me, yes, he could have been a rapist or a thief and I couldn’t have known. But fact remains he was just a lonely young man and I was the villain. I made him feel like a bad person, when all he wanted was human contact. Fact remains he acted like a human, and I was afraid, and acted like a bitch.
Bottom line:
I don’t know what’s better: staying safe and not talking to strangers and thus not allowing fate to manifest itself, or risk getting hurt but knowing you never missed an opportunity? And I wonder: will I be brave enough the next time the universe will try talking to me through the mouth of a stranger? Because, you know, we are all one, in the end…

It’s been a while

… since I’ve written in here. I decided to switch to English (I don’t know why I had started in Romanian after all…). I was thinking earlier what I’ve been doing in the meantime, and I find the answer pretty pleasing. I’ve been reading, doing a bit of traveling, painting some t-shirts and some paintings, listening to some music, seen a few concerts, watched some movies, practicing a little qigong. I’ve also stopped talking to a friend, at least for the moment, lost weight, begun eating carrots (I was reading a friends’ post on the subject the other night) , changed almost all my clothes (not only because of the weight loss), possibly made another friend, helped with a project that is probably being cancelled, and currently I’m witnessing the closure of the place where I work. It’s been a year, that’s true, but I think I’ve been quite busy. And I love that. So, I shall proceed.

ce mai fac in prezentul lui decembrie

Pai sa vedem:
Acum ascult Suzanne Vega si zambesc fericit si incitat simtind voluptatea fiecarui acord si fiecarei inflexiuni.
Am lasat la odihnit panza pregatita pentru maine dimineata si una dintre cele 3 carti cu care ma delectez momentan.
Am decis sa imi utilizez cele 3 zile de concediu ramase intr-un mod bizar, asa ca in ultima luna m-am bucurat de saptamani formate din numai 4 zile lucratoare. Geniala treaba.
Sper la zapada. Macar un pic, cat pentru un om de zapada mic-mic de tot.
Beau un pahar de vin rosu si un pic acidulat, specific zonei unde locuiesc si rasfoiesc o revista de imobiliare.
Testoasa Yoki (inseamna ploaie in limba indienilor hopi) inoata in acvariul de langa mine in cautare de mancare. Testoasele mananca mult.
Am o problema enervanta: matreata.
In fata usii de la intrare (pe dinafara) am un brad cat casa (la propriu) plantat intr-un ghiveci. Anul asta o sa-l impodobesc mai repede; anul asta Craciunul ma face sa zambesc cu gura pana la urechi.
Contractul meu de munca expira peste 2 luni si jumatate. Daca nu mi-l reinnoiesc, poate schimb tara, macar cateva luni. Nu stiu unde, de ce, cat si alte detalii, dar nici nu o sa ma gandesc la asta daca nu va fi cazul. Daca mi-l reinnoiesc (ei, oamenii rai de la banca la care lucrez), o sa-mi schimb locuinta. Poate chiar cumpar una. Voi vedea. Perspectiva de a avea ceva in posesie nu-mi inspira absolut nimic. Dar cred ca e mai practic asa.
A, da, inca mai cred ca society is a bitch si ca oamenii din jurul meu sunt mai stingheri decat mine in ceea ce priveste relationarea interumana ocazionala si de suprafata (smaltalk adica). Iar asta e taare greu de crezut si impiedica orice fel de conversatie a mea cu... pick a person, any person. Ceea ce nu mi s-a mai intamplat. Dar stiu de ce: fiindca intalneam mereu 'oameni ca mine', cu care vorbesc o limba comuna, cu care pot comunica. Acum, aici, intr-un an de zile, n-am intalnit pe nimeni. Nu ma pot schimba si nici nu vreau, ma simt penibil incercand sa fiu nice si sociabila vorbind despre nimicuri, am senzatia ca ma vad pe mine insami de undeva din afara mea, si asta nu-mi place deloc. Asa ca voi trece altfel de etapa asta. Viata imi va arata cum.
Acum am ametit de la vin asa ca ma duc sa ma culc. Intotdeauna am gasit in somn o voluptate si o placere incredibila...
E asa de usor sa traiesti daca te lasi dus de propriile valuri... oare de ce atata incrancenare...?

I'm back!

Am fost in concediu. Si m-am intors cu cateva mici revelatii. Sau doar intelegeri mai profunde. Sau pur si simplu idei.
1. Oricate frumuseti facute de mana omului as vedea (si am vazut multe – Roma, Pisa, Lucca), nimic nu seamana cu ceea ce poate face natura. Nimic nu se compara cu un copac, o mana de nisip, un val, o stanca sau un simplu fir de iarba. Ceea ce nu inseamna ca nu o sa raman pierduta in fata Pietà–ei de fiecare data cand o sa o vad.
2. Acum imi e si mai clar ca lumea e prea frumoasa ca sa ma pot limita la cei 47 de metri patrati ai apartamentului in care locuiesc. Sau la orasul in care locuiesc acum. Nu sunt facuta cu radacini. Sau daca le am, le pot muta oricand altundeva, fara ca asta sa mi se para o lobotomie. Ceea ce e un castig mare.
3. Sunt un pic claustrofobica. Nu stiam asta despre mine. Am descoperit asta urcand pe o scara de vreo 250 de trepte in spirala continua, aflata pe un coridor pe care nu poate trece decat o persoana si uneori cu greu, intunecat si uneori in panta destul de pronuntata. Senzatia e de greutate pe piept, imposibilitate de a respira, ameteli, senzatia ca peretii cad peste mine impreuna cu ceilalti oameni, in timp ce eu nu am cum sau unde scapa, si de aici, desigur, panica. La sfarsitul scarii am ajuns pe cupola basilicii San Pietro, ceea ce nu m-a facut sa simt cum ca ar fi meritat.
4. Daca vrei sa economisesti bani cand pleci in vacanta, e bine sa faci rezervari inainte. Altfel, e preferabil sa nu te intereseze unde o sa dormi inainte de a ajunge acolo, pentru ca asta te limiteaza. Prefer deci varianta a 2a, libertatea care vine cu ea nu e putin lucru...
5. Mintea e singurul nostru dusman si in acelasi timp singurul aliat. Poti face orice daca il poti gandi destul de intens.
6. Sunt lucruri care te urmaresc peste tot, fie pentru ca sunt parte din tine fara ca tu sa stii, fie pentru ca sunt incercari ce-ti sunt puse in cale pentru ca odata depasite, sa iti aduca o intelegere mai ampla si o deschidere mai mare. Precum accesul meu de claustrofobie, pe care va trebui sa il depasesc. Dar sunt si lucruri pe care le caram cu noi desi ne fac rau si noi stim asta, pentru ca nu putem sau nu stim cum sa le lasam sa cada. Precum resentimentele sau furia residue din copilarie sau adolescenta. Trebuie insa sa aruncam din povara trecutului, pentru a face loc viitorului.
7. Sufletul meu are nevoie de liniste, de timp care curge incet, fara graba, de natura, de ape line. Astept sa imi spuna ce sa fac.
Tot ceea ce mi se intampla e cel mai bun lucru pentru mine. In orice moment, si oricat de greu mi s-ar parea prezentul, sunt lucruri pe care trebuie sa le trec pentru a putea vibra din ce in ce mai sus.

Plec in vacanta :)

In sfarsit! 2 saptamani! Chiar acum, dupa ce scriu aceste 2 randuri, voi iesi pe usa.
O sa ma intorc cu ganduri noi, cu insemnari noi, si cu energie mai multa si mai stralucitoare.
Pe curand!

Raspuns la un comentariu - prea amplu pentru a nu constitui un post in sine

Mai intai comentariul, pentru convenienta, facut la primul articol, 'Cine sunt eu?':

salutari din tara noastra mioritica! testul cu "cine sunt eu?" are si o frumoasa continuare "ce nu sunt eu?" si "ce vreau sa fiu eu?", tot cu vreo 20 de raspunsuri fiecare. ce zici?? cum pot sa presar zambete in mesajul asta? ... si legat de ciobanasul cu spirit de sacrificiu, fie ca vrem sau nu, majoritatea am crescut cu mitul asta ca o realitate compulsiva, fie ca il traim individual sau nu, a fost o poveste a copilariei fiecaruia, din care am luat cate ceva ... eu asa cred ... iar neacceptarea atitudinii mioritice ne poate priva de o experienta umana, aceea a sacrificiului (care, ce-i drept, romanii au cam dus-o la extrem ... un zambet sec...). tu ce parere ai? imi place foarte foarte mult felul in care scrii ... te-ai schimbat mult de la ultima noastra discutie pe teme sociale

Draga mea anonima,
Mai intai trebuie sa spun ca iti suspectez identitatea (ah, ce joc de cuvinte, sic!), dar as dori daca se poate o confirmare, caci n-as vrea sa raspund unei alte imagini mentale decat trebuie :) - asa se zambeste :)
Sa vorbim dara despre Miorita. Ciobanasul ala, dupa parerea mea, e un idiot. Nu sustin vreo teza noua si nu am descoperit apa calda, dar povestea e asa: afli ca cineva vrea sa te omoare. Ok, nu poti spune ca viata ta e mai importanta decat a lui, deci nu il omori. Dar poti si ar trebui sa poti sa spui ca viata ta e importanta. Asa ca nu vei lasa sa fie luata.
Sacrificiu? Pentru ce? Sacrificiul presupune un scop, sau macar o cauza, presupune o alta individualitate sau stare de fapt care se va naste sau se va dezvolta in urma acestei succesiuni de evenimente. Aici nu inteleg care ar putea fi asta... Zicea cineva (Jules Michelet pe numele lui) ca nu e vorba de fatalism in Miorita, ci de acceptarea sortii. Gresit. Soarta a facut ca cineva sa iti spuna ca vei fi omorat. Si tu ce faci? Iti planifici inmormantarea? Asta nu face parte din indatoririle tale ca individ, ci e un instrument gandit pentru cei pe care ii lasi in urma si care isi alina astfel din dureri. Mai mult, mi se pare o usoara bataie de joc fata de biata soarta care s-a dat peste cap ca sa iti comunice viitorul... oare nu ca sa poti face ceva cu viata si nu cu moartea ta?
Da, cred ca am crezut sincer pana pe la 15 ani ca asta e o atitudine demna, ca trebuie sa strangi din dinti si sa accepti cu capul sus nenorocirea. Dupa care, subit, am avut revelatia. Da oaia aia, de ce s-o fi chinuit ea sa vorbeasca? Si ce-o fi asa demn in a lasa ca un alt om sa devina criminal, ca mama mea sa planga, si ca eu sa fiu ingropat pe un camp?
Cat despre ideea de sacrificiu, conceptul, mi se pare fooaaarte discutabil. Sa renunti la ceva pentru ceva mai important, mai semnificativ, mai valoros. Conform carei scari de valori? Sigur nu astepti nimic in schimb? Unde e granita dintre sacrificiu si banala concesie sau pur si simplu o alegere? Daca eu aleg ca fiind mai important un numit lucru si renunt la altele pentru el, oare nu inseamna ca fac pur si simplu o alegere de bun simt? Si cand renunt, oare sunt complet dezinteresat, sau ma gandesc ca daca e vorba despre un lucru mai important, meritele mele vor fi recunoscute intr-o forma sau alta? Si ar mai fi mult mai multe de zis...
Spiritul de sacrificiu la romani... hmmm, oare exista? Sau e doar o forma de renuntare? Si nu e vorba numai de romani aici, sa fie clar :)
Astept un feed-back inainte de a continua.

M-am schimbat, da, stiu asta. Si intr-un fel ma bucur ca e asa de evident :) Dar tare as vrea sa stiu care e discutia despre care pomenesti si mai ales partea mea de conversatie, ca sa imi pot analiza mai clar schimbarile :)

Cat despre celelalte teste, merita un viitor post numai al lor :)

Iti multumesc tare mult pentru comentariu si stimulii adusi de el. Ma inclin.

On my way...

Din cand in cand, ma cuprinde cate o melanconie. Sau nostalgie, nu prea stiu cum sa-i zic. Ideea e ca e cate un ceva care ma coboara de pe norisorul pe care imi duc linistita existenta in restul timpului.

Problema e simpla: e un norisor foarte mic, ceea ce inseamna ca nu incap decat 2 persoane pe el, si in rest se mai ataseaza din cand in cand la alti norisori, dar pentru scurt timp si niciodata direct si fata in fata. Cu alte cuvinte, ca sa scap de metafora de prost gust, sunt destul de singura. Si din cauza mea, fara doar si poate, dar nu am de gand sa ma schimb. Mi s-a intamplat, o singura data in viata, acum vreo 2 ani, sa fiu in mod spontan o fiinta sociala. Ceea ce a dus la formarea de ‘cunostinte’. Stiti, persoanele acelea care nu-ti vor fi niciodata prieteni fiindca nu ai nimic in comun cu ele, dar cu care mai iesi ocazional la bere si cu care schimbi conversatii frivole, si care iti cer id-ul de messenger si iti umplu degeaba lista de ‘acquaintances’… Nu mi-au placut niciodata ‘cunostintele’. Sau poti spune cuiva ceea ce ai pe suflet si il poti asculta activ cand e momentul lui, sau nu, si in ultimul caz dupa parerea mea, e mai benefic pentru toata lumea sa nu pierdem vremea discutand despre parfumuri.

Numai ca, oamenii pe care ii consider prieteni, sunt cu totii departe. In majoritatea cazurilor, relatiile nu au avut neaparat de suferit, mi s-a intamplat chiar ca unele sa devina mai stranse sau mai intime in ciuda kilometrilor. Dar statul la o cafea, la o terasa, intr-o duminica dimineata ploioasa, asta chiar imi lipseste… mici gesturi, pe care computerul nu le stie reda, zambete in coltul buzelor care nu se vad pe webcam, a simti acelasi miros in acelasi timp sau pur si simplu senzatia pe care o da apropierea fizica… toate astea sunt de neinlocuit. Asa ca, uneori, lucrurile astea incep a-mi lipsi. Si deci, incep sa rememorez locuri si momente si zambete si devin melancolica.

Stiu foarte bine cat e de greu sa ma mentin mereu la acelasi nivel. Si uneori uit ca trebuie sa vreau, sa aleg sa fiu felicita, ca apoi sa simt fericirea. Si inca nu sunt suficient de puternica pentru a nu mai cadea. Nu sunt inca atat de sigura pe mine incat sa ma pot scufunda daca vreau si sa pot reveni fara ca asta sa imi atinga esenta sufleteasca, asa, ca intr-o plimbare printre momente trecute si singuratati prezente, dar avandu-ma pe mine insami ca reper…

…Dar voi ajunge acolo. Pas cu pas si fara teama de a ma pierde pe drum – pana la urma nu ma pierd decat in mine, si asta e in definitiv un lucru bun! Si daca din cand in cand o sa mai fac si pasi inapoi sau o sa ma mai impiedic in cate-o lacrima, so be it! Tot eu sunt si cea care cade, si tot eu sunt si cea care o ridica. Si cu timpul am sa invat sa nu ma mai poticnesc. Dar intre timp, am invatat ceva: cerul e atat de mare incat se vede si din gropi, daca vrei sa-l privesti. Si mai mult decat atat: daca vrei sa atingi o stea, o vei putea atinge si daca esti cativa metri mai jos…

Eu vreau.

Heei, ce ploaie-i afara...

A trecut o saptamana de la moartea lui. Auzisem, ca toata lumea, ca era in spital si deja in metastaza, si ca deci, va muri. Dar cand s-a intamplat, tot mi s-a parut incredibil; vestea m-a pus indelung pe ganduri, si abia acum vreo 2 zile am reusit sa pun ceva pe hartie.

Am cateva fragmente de amintiri cu el. Vocea de la radio, pletele, pasiunea pentru rock, blugii stramti si nelipsita tigare, primul concert in care l-am vazut pe scena... Tin minte cand aveam vreo 8 sau 9 ani si mama m-a dus la prima piesa de teatru in care l-am vazut, la Bulandra. Era imbracat in negru, era rebel, si mai si fuma pe scena, si asta cand nu canta... Ce mai, m-am indragostit definitiv si iremedialbil!
La putin timp dupa Revolutie, cand revista ‘Rolling stone’ nu exista in Romania, isi imprumuta exemplarul cunostintelor mai mult sau mai putin apropiate; cumva a ajuns si la mine odata o copie, si am citit-o cu mare grija, caci mi se soptise in prealabil, complice si cu oarecare ingrijorare: ‘Ai mare grija de ea, e a lui Pittis...’ Daca as fi putut, as fi dormit cu ea sub perna....
Stiu ca odata intr-un turneu, intr-un oras de provincie, cand s-au vandut numai 2 bilete la spectacolul lui, i-a invitat zambind, desi dezamagit, pe cei doi cumparatori la o bere, care s-a lungit apoi pana dimineata.

Cred ca a fost un tip tare fain, Florian Pittis. De la TeleEnciclopedia pana la muzica si de la radio pana la teatru, a facut o gramada chestii misto. Din afara cel putin, pare sa fi avut o viata fara prea multe compromisuri... Si se pare ca in zilele noastre, ne indepartam atat de mult de noi insine incat am ajuns sa valorizam pozitiv un fapt dealtfel natural, precum acela de a face in si cu viata noastra ceea ce vrem sau simtim si nu ceea ce ‘trebuie’ sau ‘se cere’...

Dar nu e vorba numai despre faptul in sine, ci si despre toate reflectiile pe care mi le-a provocat. Am senzatia ca elitele, sau acele persoane care sunt pentru mine elite, deja putine, se raresc din ce in ce mai tare. Pe de o parte, secolul asta si cel tocmai incheiat au insemnat o crestere fenomenala pentru umanitate, din toate punctele de vedere. Arta, matematica, fizica (mai ales fizica!), medicina, spiritualitate, in toate astea omenirea a urcat foarte rapid. Si acum, in secolul nou, se poate urca si mai rapid, prin faptul ca exista o libera si mai facila circulatie si difuziune a informatiei. Si cu toate astea, am senzatia ca se raresc din ce in ce mai tare persoanele care ar putea juca un rol important pentru mase. Ceea ce m-a facut sa fac un mic pas in spate: daca elitele ‘mele’ sunt de fapt cele ale unei generatii mult mai batrane decat mine? De ce nu vad nici o elita in tinerii de varste apropiate mie? De ce pentru mine muzica anilor in care traiesc e doar o palida umbra a rock-ului anilor ’80 si ’90? De ce pentru mine pictura post-moderna inseamna Dali? Oare asa merg lucrurile? Trebuie sa-ti alegi ‘elita’, persoana pe care o admiri intr-un anumit domeniu, din generatiile de dinainte fiindca un om trebuie sa treaca mai intai prin viata ca sa poata deveni lider de opinie? Nu cred asta. Sau elitele sunt neaparat ‘ahead of their times’, si deci vor fi recunoscute ca atare abia dupa ce si restul lumii va ajunge la nivelul lor? Nici asta nu cred ca e o lege neaparat necesara.

Cred ca fiecare din noi se naste exact atunci cand trebuie si cred ca tot ce ni se intampla e cel mai bun lucru pentru noi. Dar uneori, in clipe de-astea, ma simt ca un copil stingher, asezat la masa oamenilor mari. Copiii de varsta mea cred ca o fac pe interesanta fiindca nu pot sa ma joc cu ei, iar oamenii mari nu inteleg de ce imi vine sa plang cand moare un domn de 64 de ani. 64? As fi putut sa jur ca avea vreo 40....

'Bufonul' nu mai canta si in alta seara. S-a retras cat era, inca, tanar.

Egoism

Pentru mine, egoismul si felul in care e general definita aceasta stare de fapt, e ceva bizar. Nu cred ca egoism inseamna sa te gandesti la tine; ba mai mult, cred ca asta e o prostie. Poti face bine, poti fi altruist, iti poti ajuta semenii si in timp ce te ajuti pe tine. Ba chiar indraznesc sa zic ca mai bine o faci numai dupa aceea, dupa ce te ajuti pe tine mai intai, dupa ce te gandesti mai intai la tine.
Pentru ca altfel te poti trezi in doua feluri de situatii. Prima este cea in care nu poti ajuta la intreaga ta capacitate, pentru ca tu nu esti intreg (iar ce iti cer ajutorul se asteapta la felul de interventie cu care tu i-ai obisnuit pe cand erai complet disponibil...). Iar a doua situatie este cea in care mai tarziu, dupa ce ne vom fi cheltuit energia, de care in fapt nu dispuneam, pentru altii, sa vrem lucruri, ba chiar sa asteptam lucruri, in schimbul ajutorului dat. Cred ca fiecare dintre noi s-a regasit in situatia asta; chiar daca nu manifestam in vorbe nevoia de recunostinta, gandul e suficient de manifest. 'Cate am facut pentru el/ea...', 'm-am sacrificat pentru...', 'nici macar nu mi-a multumit'... si tot asa; sounds familiar? Eu cred ca daca ne gandim intai la noi insine, si ne rezolvam mai intai toate problemele, vom putea mai apoi sa ii ajutam intr-adevar pe ceilalti fara sa pretindem nimic in schimb. Caci a pretinde ceva inseamna a avea nevoie de acel ceva, sau de acea recunoastere, deci inseamna ca exista un gol ce trebuie umplut... si golul asta nu-l putem umple decat din interior...
Egoismul inseamna sa proiectezi asupra celorlalti, sa le atribui tu seturi de imagini si idei si sa te comporti ca atare fata de ei, fara sa intelegi ce vor ei de fapt. Sa visezi pentru altii. Sa stii tu ce e mai bine pentru ei. Sa nu iesi dintr-o relatie atunci cand simti ca e momentul pentru ca crezi, presupui, stii tu mai bine, ca celalalt va fi ranit si nu va mai putea sa se ridice... Sa nu spui ceea ce crezi sau simti sub pretextul de a nu rani. Asta nu inseamna decat ca ne consideram pe noi mai puternici sau mai destepti sau mai.... decat ceilalti. Sa fii gelos si posesiv, sa fii paranoic ca forma de autoprotectie. Astea nu sunt sentimente ci manifestari ale ego-ului, ale insecuritatilor, temerilor si, in definitiv ale problemelor noastre.
Si e egoism sa chinuim pe altii cu manifestarile problemelor noastre, in loc sa ne indreptam atentia inspre noi si sa extirpam raul. Trebuie insa sa fim constienti ca in orice fel terapie, ne vom simti mai rau chiar inainte de a ne simti, in sfarsit, bine.

... relatii ...

Toti suntem implicati, facem parte, din diverse relatii. Insa relatiile pe care le are o persoana cu alte persoane, fiinte sau obiecte, nu sunt, nu definesc individul. Sigur ca relatiile interumane (si nu numai) sunt importante si ca le avem in fiecare zi, si ca nu s-ar putea altfel. E foarte bine ca e asa. Ceea ce e insa mult mai important e sa ne putem defini pe noi insine, sa putem exista si trai, mai bine zis, in afara acestor relatii. Adica, cu alte cuvinte, sa fim liberi, independenti. Sau cu alt fel de cuvinte, sa fim constienti de noi insine.

E un alt fel de constienta; e o atentie continua asupra noastra insine, indreptata catre interior, pentru a putea ajunge astfel la esenta lucrurilor. Caci daca omul este construit dupa chipul si asemanarea vreunui Dumnezeu, oricum s-ar chema acesta, atunci aceasta esenta se afla in el insusi la fel de mult cum se afla in acel Dumnezeu sau oriunde altundeva in Universul creat de El. Dar pentru asta, omul trebuie sa fie singur cu el insusi. Singuratatea nu e un blestem, si de altfel nimic din ce ni se intampla nu e, decat daca tinem mortis sa credem asta. Din fiecare lucru care ne iese in cale avem ceva de invatat. Si de asta e asa de importanta atentia, ca sa nu fie necesar ca un lucru sa ni se intample de mai multe ori pana sa ne dam seama care e lectia ascunsa in el.

Din pacate, e greu sa dai la o parte tot si sa ramai doar tu. E greu adica sa inveti sa nu mai fi egoist, sa nu mai depinzi in nici un fel de oameni; sa nu depinzi de nimic. Sa fii liber. Sa nu te influenteze nimic – si ma refer la orice fel de lucruri; ploaia sau soarele nu au cum sa iti atinga interiorul, esenta ta. E important sa putem renunta la posesie si posesivitate. Insusi faptul ca existam, ca traim, nu ne este propriu. E un fapt asupra caruia nu avem nimic de zis si pe care nu il putem schimba (toate religiile din lumea asta cred ca moartea e numai o trecere!).

Daca nu ai nimic, nu poti pierde nimic; nu iti va fi teama de asta si deci nu vei fi nefericit. Putem folosi lucrurile, sigur ca da, ar fi o prostie sa nu o facem, dar nu le putem poseda; in incercarea asta sta sursa multor nenorociri. La fel si cu oamenii. Relatiile sunt foarte bune, dar nu in ele trebuie sa stea fericirea sau nefericirea noastra.

Exista o paradigma conform careia fiecare dintre noi este legat de oricine altcineva printr-o inlantuire de alte, multe, persoane. Daca am avea in vedere aceasta teorie, am realiza ca nu putem depinde de nimeni; ca viata si fericirea noastra nu pot depinde de nimeni. Sau ca depind de toti oamenii, adica de tot Universul sau de Dumnezeu, adica de noi insine.

Si mai e ceva: nici o relatie nu dureaza etern. Nimic nu dureaza pentru totdeauna. Daca natura nu poate crea ceva etern, cum ar putea omul sa-si imagineze ca poate sa faca sa dureze ceva la nesfarsit?

Noi insine suntem propriile noastre bucurii sau nefericiri. E inutil sa dam vina pe altii.

gods of metal partea a 2-a

Fost-am si la Gods of Metal II. Fain, relaxant, dar nu asa ca la primul, si asta din cauza de… lipsa de ceea ce americanii numesc balls.
Am sa incerc sa definesc cam ce ar insemna asta pentru mine: desigur e o chestiune de sound, si care tine de chitara. Mai precis de efectul de chitara folosit, care nu suna clar. Chitara nu are profunzime, e prea difuza, e nehotarata, nu se poate sustine singura, fara bas, chiar daca suna dur. E ca si cum chitaristului ii e frica de faptul ca o sa-l auda lumea si o sa inteleaga ca nu e tocmai Steve Vai sau Ingwie Malmsteen. Ceea ce se extinde automat aspra sunetului per total si asupra trupei in general, care in final ‘is lacking balls’. Ceea ce pentru o trupa de metal pune destul de multe probleme, si te face sa ridici un pic din sprancene intrebandu-te daca nu cumva toata treaba e mai mult o chestiune de imagine si facut bani, decat placerea de a face muzica. Si, ca sa duc pana la capat rationamentul, this is what rock’n’roll is all about: sa faci ce ai chef, cand ai chef, fara sa-ti pese de parerea celorlalti, sa fii tu insuti chiar daca esti altfel, si prin extensie sa fii tolerant tocmai fiindca intelegi ca oamenii pot fi si altfel. Si sa nu cedezi constrangerilor conformatoare ale societatii, sa continui sa ‘do your thing’ si sa nu intorci privirea in fata nedreptatii. In cateva cuvinte, sa stay true to yourself. Ceea ce inseamna ca vei merge cu capul sus, apasat si hotarat si vei si canta ca atare; adica ‘with balls’ Si in cazul asta, faze din astea de imagine si ‘ca sa se vanda’, fara un fond real, fara suflet, daca mi se permite cliseul, mi se par intolerabile.
Sa revenim insa la trupe. Slowmotion Apocalypse – metal - hardcore, o trupa italiana foarte cool, mi-au placut, mai putin ultima piesa, cantata cu un alt vocal fiindca era vorba despre Be Quick Or Be Dead. Ar fi fost foarte bine (vocalul facea fata fara probleme), daca oamenii ar intelege ca pentru a canta ca Maiden, trebuie sa ai reglajele lor; altfel sunetul se pierde, ceea ce s-a intamplat, deci nu s-a auzit nimic din piesa aia.
Deathstars – oh, God, sinistru. Exact ceea ce spuneam. Sounduri alla Rammstein si Marilyn Mason, combinate cu accente de black. Circ ieftin si prost si numai imagine fara nimic altceva.
Sadist – o trupa italiana de death, dar cu sonoritati de progressive, care au sunat brici. Tare, in forta, curat, ca la carte. Genial chitaristul, care intre 2 riffuri de chitara facea si clape.
Type O’Negative. Am fost foarte dezamagita. In afara de vreo 2 bucati din perioada Bloody Kisses, restul de piese au sunat… again, ball-less. Si e ciudat, fiindca mie nu-mi place neaparat genul, dar astia tocmai de aia imi placeau, ca obisnuiau sa aiba… asta e, unii imbatranesc frumos, altii… nu.
Black Label Society. Sunt o ignoranta, stiu, dar pana acum nu am avut chef sa ii studiez pe astia desi am tot auzit de ei, iar aici sunt foarte populari (de altfel cele mai multe tricouri erau cu ei, si au tricouri faine J ). Da n-am pierdut mare lucru. Un chitarist tehnic, bun, care face si voce si e trupa lui, dar corzile vocale nu-l tin tocmai cat trebuie. Pe album suna mult mai bine decat live, ceea ce e pur si simplu trist. Fara feeling, per total cumva… fazi.
Megadeth. Mustaine face foarte bine, daca se indoia cineva, i-a crescut parul de la concertul de la Bucuresti (am stat extrem de aproape, hihihi), a scos album nou si fain si are multe de zis. Texte politice taioase anti-razboi si anti-Washington, un om care stie ce vrea, are opinii puternice si le exprima cum stie mai bine. E suficient un ochi pe texte sau numai la texte, ca sa-ti dai seama (macar dupa lungime! Are pasaje vorbite fiindca ar trebui sa fie prea lungi presele daca ar canta tot!) ca nu canta numai fiindca n-are altceva de facut sau pentru bani. Now that’s what rock’n’roll is all about. Sigur ca fiind un festival, n-a apucat intr-o ora juma'te sa cante tot ce era de cantat, si parca a fost un pic cam mult de pe ‘The system has failed’, dar oricum Megadeth ramane una dintre trupele mele de suflet si am plecat foarte satisfacuta de acolo. In plus, acum pot zice ca am cantat de 2 ori in viata mea Symphony of Destruction impreuna cu Mustaine, ceea ce ma face sa zambesc tamp si un pic ragusit :)
Korn. Gata, am inteles ce-i in neregula cu astia. N-au imaginatie. Nu sunt creativi si nu stiu sa cante. Au un sound bun, un solist bun, si daca auzi o singura piesa, te pacalesti. Dar nu stiu sa cante decat cateva acorduri si nici macar nu le combina intre ele. Toate piesele suna la fel. Ceea ce m-a uimit insa cel mai tare e ca nici macar nu stiu sa se comporte cu publicul, nu stiu sa vorbeasca cu el si cu atat mai putin sa faca show; ceea ce destul de uimitor pentru o trupa americana. Nu-i nimic, am zacut si eu in iarba si m-am uitat la oameni.
Ozzy Osbourne. Nici nu stiu daca sa comentez ceva. …Era seara si langa un lac si ne-au masacrat tantarii… falsa ingrozitor…. Pacat de muzicienii cu care canta, ca-si pierd vremea de pomana… pacat de piesele Sabbath… Ma gandeam la cei care au acceptat sa cante cu el (un chitarist foarte bun) ca si-au imaginat probabil ca vor canta cu Ozzy de dinainte de The Osbournes… Dar oare ei nu au televizoare? E probabil greu sa te gandesti ca Ozzy de la Sabbath e acelasi om cu drogatul vopsit si care abia se misca pe care l-am vazut cu totii cu groaza la MTV….Dar din pacate asa stau lucrurile. Cand a incercat-o pe aia cu ‘voi din stanga mainile sus’, m-am simtit obligata sa ma intorc pe calcaie si sa ies, ca sa nu mai privesc grotescul… Am plecat mult mai repede decat ne asteptam, n-am prins trafic, am ajuns acasa la o ora rezonabila, si am adormit cu gandul a Mustaine. Tot raul spre bine...

30 de lucruri extraordinare

1. Prima ninsoare
2. Mirosul de cafea dimineata
3. Sa adormi pe plaja, ascultand marea si privind stelele
4. Mirosul de tei primavara (am noroc: aici miroase a tei mai bine de o luna pe an, peste tot :) )
5. Sa stai la foc, in poiana, cu o chitara
6. Muntele
7. Sa primesti un buchet imens din florile preferate fara sa fie ziua ta
8. Sa poti canta melodia preferata impreuna cu cei de pe scena, la un concert
9. Sa te dai in leagan
10. Sa te cuibaresti iarna sub plapuma si sa asculti viscolul de afara
11. Rasariturile si apusurile de soare, fiecare dintre ele in parte
12. Sa tipi din toti rarunchii mergand prin padure
13. Sa simti nisipul pe talpi si stropi de valuri pe glezne
14. Sa stai la geam, intr-o dupa-amiaza de duminica, in timp ce afara ploua torential
15. Sa mergi cu masina fara destinatie, cu muzica preferata la maxim
16. Sa faci dragoste, pe indelete, intr-o dup-amiaza calda de vara
17. Sa te trezesti zambind fara motiv
18. Sa poti sa plangi cand tensiunea e prea mare
19. Sa te lasi furat pana dimineata de paginile unei carti dragi
20. Sa vezi o stea cazatoare
21. Mirosul de fan dupa ploaie
22. Momentul in care iti dai seama ca poti crea
23. Gustul sarat pe buze dupa o baie in mare
24. Sa vezi un film bun si sa ramai apoi indelung pe ganduri, in intuneric
25. Sa casti si sa te intinzi cand ti-e somn
26. Capsunile si ciocolata
27. Sa te rostogolesti prin iarba
28. Sa gasesti un loc racoros cand afara e canicula
29. O baie cu spuma si uleiuri parfumate (God, I miss that!)
30. Gustul apei dupa ce ti-a fost sete indelung.

Sa mai zica cineva ca viata nu e frumoasa!

Despre realitate

Cugetam zilele astea la cat de stupid-penibile sunt etichetarile umane. Si mai ales cele de posesiune. 'Haina mea', 'casa mea, 'masina mea'', etc. Hm. Toate astea sunt conventii lingvistice, devenite apoi mentale, si intrate atat de adanc in structura noastra psihica incat nu putem percepe realitatea altfel. Nu trebuie decat sa numaram de cate ori pe zi folosim pronumele posesive ca sa ne dam seama ca asa stau lucrurile. Ceea ce nu inseamna insa ca aceste constructii reflecta realitatea. Haina, masina, casa, au existat intr-o forma sau alta inainte de mine, si daca eu as disparea azi, ele vor continua sa existe independent de asta. La fel si cu persoanele.
Si putem merge mai departe: religia mea, tara mea, planeta mea. Toate astea sunt doar concepte, nu realitati. Realitatea e: planeta. Atat. Restul sunt proiectii mentale. 'Iubitul meu' nu exista. Exista un barbat, o femeie, si doua seturi de proiectii mentale. Si mai departe: religie, tara, identitate nationala. Concepte create de noi, nu realitati. Acum 3000 de ani nu exista nici unul dintre ele, si totusi exista o realitate. Toate astea nu sunt creatii divine sau ale naturii, ci concepte si definitii create de mintea umana, care ingradesc, generalizeaza si simplifica, limiteaza, si in final, creeaza norma si conformitatea sociala. Care, la randul lor, sunt tot concepte. Nu sunt realitate; si atata timp cat mintea noastra le foloseste, pentru noi nu exista realitate.
Suntem niste gigante aglomerari de etichete. 'Asta e bine', 'ea e frumoasa', 'eu sunt bun'. Mintea noastra produce etichete si noi le aplicam frenetic peste tot si sustinem ca asta e realitatea. Si mai mult: ne chinuim sa ne introducem pe noi insine in propriile etichete sau, mai rau, in proiectiile altora despre noi. Ne comportam 'cum se cuvine' si nu cum ne vine. Ne limitam.
Revin deci la identitate si la 'cine sunt eu': Eu sunt o fiinta umana. Aproape perfecta, da, ca noi toti: cand voi fi perfecta, voi fi lumina.

Requiem for Happiness

Am revazut Requiem For A Dream al lui Darren Aronofski (daca e cineva care nu stie despre ce e vorba gasiti informatii aici si aici - site-ul oficial e de vizitat si numai ca experienta de web art).
Tin minte prima vizionare: acasa la o prietena, la 1 noaptea, la tv, in pat, sub patura. O gheara in stomac timp de 2 ore si cel mult un 'oh, shiiittt...' la final. In rest liniste si dorinta mai mult sau mai putin constienta de a stinge televizorul. Stii, tendinta aia de a intoarce capul cand vezi sange pe jos si in acelasi timp de a privi in continuare... De data asta, a treia oara, aceeasi gheara in stomac si incercarea de a ma convinge ca trebuie sa fii chiar pe marginea prapastiei ca sa vrei sa sari.
Cineva imi spunea ca nu intelege de ce trebuie facute filme atat de dure. Da, e cel mai dur film pe care l-am vazut vreodata (si am vazut si The Passions Of Christ). Eu cred insa ca e absolut necesar. Sigur ca in general oamenii au o atractie mai mult sau mai putin manifesta pentru extreme, sigur ca exista o fascinatie comuna fata de grotesc, scarbos si insangerat (de la 'arata-mi buba' pana la 'Ripley's believe it or not' sau emisiunile explicite cu teme medicale). Doar pe lucrurile astea se bazeaza creatorii de arta a grotescului. Ceea ce nu e un lucru bun sau rau, ci pur si simplu le permite sa creeze fara sa se gandeasca la aspectele comerciale. Pentru ca eu cred ca trebuie facute filme atat de dure si atat de explicite.
Nu pentru cei care oricum se uita pe net taieturi de maini in lumea araba si altele astfel, si in nici un caz pentru clisee gen 'tanar-cool-cu-bani-si-neinteles-care-tocmai-si-a-luat- o-doza-dar-poate-filmul-asta-il-face-sa-se-razgandeasca'. Nu, pentru noi, rasa umana, care suntem in stare sa ne automutilam in felul asta si care suntem capabili de atata cruzime. Ca sa nu ne mai ascundem in spatele lui 'Eu nu sunt asa, eu nu as ajunge niciodata asa, Doamne fereste, doar am valori si morala si...'. Mda... Pe naiba. Semanam prea mult intre noi ca sa ne permitem sa credem asta. Macar sa fim in stare sa vedem, sa ne uitam la noi, inainte si dupa.
Noi, rasa umana, suntem extrem de cruzi, si mai ales cu noi insine. Filmul vorbeste despre dependenta de orice fel, dar si despre asta. Despre lucrurile pe care suntem in stare sa ni le facem in mod constant noua insine, facandu-ne ca nu observam ca de fapt ne auto-torturam. Ne complacem in relatii/situatii in care nu ne simtim bine, induram tot felul de lucruri care ni se par ingrozitoare pentru ca 'asa trebuie', 'asa se face', sau 'e de datoria mea', acceptam sa facem 'sacrificii' cerute de 'societate', fara sa clipim macar la suferinta pe care ne-o auto-provocam. Ne simtim bine, gasim chiar voluptate uneori, in tristete, depresie, nefericire.
Nu incercam sa ne vindecam ranile, ba chiar ne prefacem ca nu le vedem sau nu exista. Cu ce e asta mai putin rau decat a te preface ca bratul tau nu e mancat de cangrena? Macar Harry era drogat, poate simtea mai putina durere, noi nu avem nici o scuza! Nu acceptam ajutor, ba chiar ii privim cu ura pe cei care incearca sa ne arate buba cea urata... Ne amanam si auto-conditionam starea de bine, ancorand-o intr-un viitor subred si oricum de neatins prin insasi conditia lui de non-prezent ('dupa ce imi iau masina', 'Cand ma mut', 'daca as avea alt job', s.a.m.d)...
E absolut necesar sa vedem din cand in cand Requiem For A Dream. Ca sa ne speriem de cat rau suntem capabili, si mai ales fata de noi insine. Si ca sa intelegem ca fericirea e o optiune personala, care nu are nimic de-a face cu 'realitatea' exterioara, e o decizie pe care o putem lua oricand. Nu exista nici o alta limita in afara celor auto-impuse. Singurul personaj negativ din viata noastra suntem noi insine.

Dupa tornada

Despre a-2-a zi de festival

Pai... a doua zi a fost si ultima. Puteti vedea mai sus de ce (inca nu am invavat sa si scriu in acelasi post cu fereastra de youtube).
Respectiv cam asa arata parcul dupa o tornada. Scurta si infipta, ca orice tornada respectabila. A inceput cu ploaie, apoi ploaie torentiala, grindina, si mai apoi, peste toate astea, vant. Vant cum nu credeam ca exista, vant care incerca s-ti smulga carnea de pe oase. Am aflat apoi ca avusese 210 km/h. Nu stiam ce inseamna asta, nici cu masina nu am mers niciodata cu viteza asta, deci a fost o surpriza pentru mine...
Culmea e ca ma simt ca dupa o batalie, ca si cum io as avea ceva de-a face cu faptul ca Natura sau Divinitatea a fost blanda cu noi si ne-a ferit... un fel de 'wow, prin ce am trecut!', ca si cum as avea vreun merit! Stupid.
Oricum, toata chestia a insemnat frica, pe alocuri panica, multa apa, 30 de raniti, din fericire nici unul grav, si, desigur, anularea concertelor.
Ii multumesc lui Dumnezeu si nu numai lui ( :) ) pentru faptul ca suntem ok. Incerc sa nu regret ca nu i-am vazut pe Pearl Jam si Smashing Pumpkins. Am aflat apoi de la un tehnic al festivalului ca Eddie Veder era acolo, cu toata trupa, se pregateau de conferinta de presa; ma multumesc deci cu cei 200 de metri care au fost intre noi... :)

Pe banii primiti inapoi de la organizatori, mi-am cumparat bilete la Tool si Nine Inch Nails.

prima zi de heineken jammin' festival

Parcul. Mare, foarte mare, vreo 70 de hectare. Nu stiam cat de mare e asta, dar cum am o unitate de masura: cat sa se lafaie cat au chef vreo 100 de mii de rockeri. Pe jos trifoi, taiat exact cat sa dormi perfect si fara saltea. Foarte curat si foarte verde. De pe mal se vedea Venetia, pe cealalta parte a lagunei. Scena imensa, gramezi de restaurante, zona de relax cu masaj gratis, exact cum auzisem si eu ca se petrece la marile festivaluri.
Campingul. La intrare, ni se cer scuze, fiindca primaria nu a racordat inca tevile de apa, deci no dusuri; dar Protectia Civila muncea deja la asta si ni s-a promis apa a doua zi inainte de ora 15 (s-au tinut, evident, de promisiune). Sigur ca din cauza asta camparea (care trebuia sa coste conform site-ului 5 euro pe zi) a fost gratuita. La un moment dat, spatiul de campare - destul de mic, intr-adevar - se umple, asa ca urmatori sositi campeaza linistiti inafara spatiului ingradit si pazit. Ca urmare, in urmatoarele 10 minute apare masina de ingradit care reconsidera spatiul - mai precis il dubleaza, si muta gardul corespunzator, lasand in urma si alti cativa indivizi cu tricou de lucrator la festival.
Lumea. Multa rau - dupa Maiden m-am simtit ca in Lord of the Ring (Marsul Armatei or smth), faina, relaxata. Nimeni nu s-a enervat din pricina corzilor mele de cort negre care, fiind invizibile, constituiau o capcana pentru toti trecatorii. Ti se cereau scuze daca erai impins din greseala in timpul concertului de cei ce incercau sa ajunga si mai in fata.
Trupele. Lauren Harris - o God, incredibly lame, da buna rau :D; nu vad de ce aia mica a lui Tyler a iesit ditamai actrita si Steve Harris a fost in stare s-o faca pe fie-sa doar o respectabila muzicista de mana a 'spea. Probabil ca, daca ma gandesc la Aerosmith si Iron Maiden, cantitatea de 'coolness' e constanta in familie si deci inechitabil impartita intre generatii. Mastodon - fain. Mie mi-a lipsit ceva, da oricum, hardcore amestecat cu altele, cunoscatori mai mari ca mine zic ca erau numai de bine. Domine (italieni): Manower-ish, da fain, tre sa aprofundez capacitatile lor concertisitice. Stonesour: hardcore, fain rau, notat, sper sa sune si pe album la fel de in forta. Slayer: ... :):):) Am stat in fata de tot (multumesc!), si m-am simtit demential. Mandatory Suicide, Seasons in the Abys (favorita mea), si tot restul. I couldn't ask for more, asa in general, ca stare, ca senzatii, ca feeling-uri. 20 de minute dupa nu am fost in stare sa vorbesc: zambeam tamp. Urma Maiden si mie mi se parea redundant. Nu puteau sa faca 2 seri? Capitalisti fara suflet, mama lor. Si tot asa, pana a aparut Dickinson. Iron Maiden au cantat mai bine de 2 ore jum'ate. Am inteles in orele astea cam cum e cu nirvana aia. Am zambit tamp, am urlat, am sarit, am cantat si am dat din maini. Noi toti. Am inteles ce-i aia charisma, ce-i ala show (cand a aparut ditai Eddie pe scena, si respectiv un tanc cu the Iron Maiden in el, ca sa nu mai zic de the beast la piesa la care trebuia... speechless), am inteles de ce n-a putut Dickinson sa renunte la muzica. Fiindca o data ce ai simtit cum e sa fii sustinut de o multime de zeci de mii de oameni sau mai bine, stii si ca nu ai cum sa reproduci altfel feeling-ul pe care ti-l da asta. Si nici nu poti renunta la el. Dar Bruce e ceva mai mult: stie sa controleze multimea asta, si nu e experienta sau altceva de genul asta e ceva al lui pe care nu l-am mai intalnit la nimeni. Genial.

Gasiti aici poze.
Alta data si despre ziua 2.

un citat ...

...care mi-e tare drag si pe care l-am uitat pentru o vreme. Inca nu stiu ce anume mi-a adus aminte de el, dar am sa-l scriu aici. Probabil viata urmeaza sa-mi dea un raspuns :)

Se intampla lucruri care sunt ca niste intrebari. Trece un minut, sau ani, si apoi viata raspunde. (Accadono cose che sono come domande. Passa un minuto, oppure anni, e poi la vita risponde.)

Alessandro Baricco